Beware the path to darkness I will preface this with a warning. I am going to try to stay vague, however there is a trigger risk for some that may still be struggling. I also believe that the parts of my story that I am going to share here may provide guidance and a safe place for someone in a similar place to reach out to. This story is my story and how I wound up in a place I never thought I would end up. It also shows how I, with help from a professional and some special people, got my self back. Ok, let's dive in shall we?
The story begins after I had been a medic for a fairly long time, and that is not to say that these things can't happen early in the career. I will also say there was more at work in my situation than just work. A lot of people talk about slippery slopes, sudden changes, and red flags. Those are all great tools for hind sight. The truth of the matter is that the path to darkness is a well lit, beautiful place with friends and family who are unaware (more on this later). It is fun, scenic and you have no idea what's happening, until it happens.
How does it happen?
We are all taught very little about resilience and self care in school and it is brushed over in a lot of training. The reason that is, is that resilience, PTSD, moral injury and occupational stress injuries are dynamic, and every single person experiences them differently. This makes training others into how to prevent these types of injuries costly, dynamic and many systems don't take that time or expense to explore it. There is a lot of work being done in prevention, but as long as there are careers that involve dealing with the tragedy of others, there will be these types of injuries and our best hope is to become resilient, as well as learn how to recover from them when they happen.
Under a continuing pandemic, and opiate crisis, coupled with short staffing and the inability to get time off for regular rest and relaxation we are seeing an increase in these psychological injuries at a rate I have never seen before. This is how it happens. When people in these careers, who care about people, see the system in crisis, we tend to double down and work harder. The system stays afloat because of us on the front line. It is in our nature to care this much, as much as we deny that. Even when we take some time for ourselves, there is a twang of guilt that hits each of us, thinking that someone else is going to have to pick up the slack. That mind set is what sets us on the path to darkness. This mindset is normal for us, and is one of the root causes of psychological injury. There are many others, but I am not qualified to speak about the complexities of PTSD and all of it's causes. This is how it happened to me, and I believe I am not alone in this path to psychological injury.
My story:
As I mentioned earlier, my story involved more than just work. I had been carrying a lot of debt throughout my life, like many people do. This debt had accumulated after a divorce, and a couple of breakups. Carrying the debt was not much of a struggle and I had a lot of plans for when the debt was paid off. Buying a home, travelling more, spending more time with friends, and investing and supplemental retirement savings. Unfortunately that is not what ended up happening, and the reality is a reminder that bad things can happen to anyone.
It was about six years ago now I had gone through a pretty nasty break up, but due to my debts, I had to live with my ex for a period of time. Innocently enough I tried to stay away from home as much as I could and spent time hanging out in a local pub. This is where things began to go down hill, although I did not notice it at first. I had a nice group of social people at the pub and spent my time drinking beers, and tossing money into VLT's. Things were ok as far as I could tell. I was giving the ex space and I was keeping my mind busy and it didn't seem like I was spending or losing that much money at the time. It was also during this time that I purchased my condo. I was super proud of myself for that as I had purchased it without a down payment and it would be my space. My ex could have her space, and we could both get on with our lives.
As time went on I moved out of the ex's into the condo, and found a new pub to hang out in. Again, I was just getting to know the area, meeting some new people, drinking beer and tossing money into VLT's. I still had no idea there was a problem. As time went on, I started losing a lot more than I was winning, as the old saying goes, "the house always wins". I was sitting at these machines, night after night, beer in hand, saying things like, "it's just one spin away!". The debts and bills started to pile up. I was still showing up for work every day, keeping up appearances. I was losing entire pay checks in a single night, and then having to get pay day loans to get food in the house. Those pay day loans I would get a few groceries and then head to the casino to "win it all back". As the problem got worse I would find myself arguing with myself that this was a bad idea, and I needed to stop. At this point, I realized I was addicted to gambling, but still continued on the path.
Things at work were also beginning to get worse as I was stressed about money, and angry about operational issues, long responses, no trucks, forced overtime and being unable to take much needed time off. When the bank foreclosed on my condo, and I was eating sandwiches from the hospital on a pretty regular basis, and I snapped on a patient, is when the light shone down that I was a mess. In all that time, almost no one knew what had been happening, because I hid it. This is a normal reaction to these sorts of things, shame, and hiding what's happening. When a paramedic friend of mine approached me and told me they were worried about me, I shared what had been going on. I was in shock as to where I had ended up, I knew better than this, and it just didn't seem possible that I was here. But here I was, and it was time to make a change. Again, I don't blame my story entirely on work, I had a habit of dealing with many stressors in a poor way. These bad decisions led me down this path and it was a fun path, until it wasn't. That is how the trap works.
Watch out for one another, and keep an eye on yourself as well. If you are doing anything excessively it might be time to take note and do some self reflection. We are in a place where it is ok to talk out loud about struggles, and it was something I should have done more often, and to more people. My recovery has been a journey of growth and self awareness that we all need to learn to ensure we stay healthy, both physically and mentally. I encourage you to share this story with others, in hopes that if they are at any point in this journey they will have the courage to reach out and turn themselves around.
My recovery
After my friend had noticed I was in a bad way and I shared some of my story with them, they recommended a psychologist who specialized in occupational stress injuries. I also got myself an accountability partner who had access to my location at all times through my Google Maps. These seem like a couple of small things, but they were instrumental in my recovery. During that time my psychologist used a technique called cognitive behavioral therapy, which is subtle, but very effective. The change was amazing. As he, in a sense, rewired my brain, I found the urges to gamble and drink falling away. I learned how to take care of myself, and prioritize my feelings. I learned how to set boundaries with people and maintain them.
Since my recovery I would be lying if I said I haven't had the odd temptation to gamble, however, when I speak to that urge, it does go away. Through this process I have learned resiliency on a level that I didn't know was possible. Though I still get bothered by operational issues at work, I am far faster at catching them, and letting them go. My biggest lesson I learned was that things out of my control, are just that. Out of my control. If I can't effect meaningful change on something, it gets filed into the not my problem category and soon sinks away. Things that are in my control, I tackle those, I ensure I provide excellent patient care, I try and take care of my coworkers, and I make sure our workspace is always ready to go.
This is a condensed version of my story, but I hope it will help someone going through a shit time to reach out and get help before things get out of control for them. In conclusion, I am now virtually debt free, living on an acreage with my soul mate and life has never been sweeter, and I am looking forward to many future adventures. I am also happy at work again, (most of the time), and love my career still. Please take the time to read, share and comment below your thoughts or your stories! If you ever need an ear, reach out, I am here to talk as well.
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